WHO RAISES THE CHILD, AND WHO DOES THE CHILD CONFIDE IN? AFRICAN PARENTING, GENERATIONAL PATTERNS AND THE NEED FOR EMOTIONAL FREEDOM_ BY ABIOLA AKINTUNDE

Sometimes, reflecting on the things happening around us forces us to question the traditions we have inherited. Parenting is one of them. In African societies, respect for elders, parental authority and obedience are often treated as essential values. Yet, in our determination to preserve these values, we may overlook something equally important: the emotional relationship between parents and their children.

Perhaps one of the difficulties with discussing African parenting is our tendency to interpret criticism of certain practices as a rejection of our culture. But questioning a tradition does not necessarily mean abandoning it. Sometimes, it means asking whether what we inherited still serves the people we are raising.

Many of us grew up in homes where respect was demanded, obedience was expected, and questioning parental decisions could be interpreted as disrespect. Our parents were people we were expected to listen to, but not always people we could freely confide in. We learnt to obey, sometimes without learning how to communicate our fears, mistakes and personal struggles.

Of course, this is not the experience of every African child. Many parents have successfully combined discipline with affection and openness. Nevertheless, we must acknowledge that some children grow up loving their parents while feeling emotionally distant from them.

A child can respect a parent and still be afraid to confide in them.

This is where generational patterns become important. Sometimes, we reproduce the very treatment we once struggled with. The way we were raised becomes our standard for raising others, and practices we may have found painful become normal simply because they are familiar. Without reflection, one generation’s experience becomes the next generation’s inheritance.

Many parents do not necessarily intend to create emotional distance. They may believe that strictness prepares children for life’s difficulties. Others fear that allowing children to express themselves freely will weaken their authority. Yet, good intentions do not always produce good outcomes. A child who is afraid of being condemned may learn to hide their struggles rather than seek guidance.

What happens when a child finds it easier to tell a stranger about a personal problem than to tell their own parents?

The question is uncomfortable, but important. Parenting involves more than providing food, shelter, education and discipline. It also involves creating an environment where children feel safe enough to speak honestly. A child should be able to admit a mistake without immediately fearing humiliation. They should be able to ask difficult questions, express their concerns and seek advice without every conversation becoming a battle over authority.

This does not mean that parents should abandon discipline or allow children to do whatever they please. Rather, it means recognising that authority and emotional openness are not mutually exclusive. Parents can establish boundaries without making their children afraid of them. They can correct mistakes without making honesty feel dangerous.

Perhaps this is where a measured form of liberalism becomes relevant to African parenting. Not a wholesale rejection of our traditions or an unquestioning adoption of Western ideas, but a willingness to give children room to express themselves, ask questions and develop their individuality.

We can preserve the values of respect, responsibility and communal belonging without preserving every practice that makes genuine communication difficult. Culture should not be so fragile that it cannot withstand critical reflection.

There is also a distinction between a child who remains silent out of respect and one who remains silent out of fear. Both may appear obedient, but their experiences are different. One may feel understood; the other may simply have learnt that speaking honestly comes at a cost.

Ideally, parents should be among the first people their children feel comfortable approaching when life becomes difficult. This does not mean parents must be their children’s only confidants. As children grow, friendships and other trusted relationships naturally become important. The real concern is when children avoid their parents not because they prefer another person’s advice, but because they do not feel emotionally safe at home.

Perhaps every generation has a responsibility to reconsider parts of its inheritance. We should be able to appreciate our parents’ sacrifices without assuming that every method they employed was beyond criticism. We can honour our elders while recognising that some practices need to change.

Ultimately, the question is not whether our children obey us, but whether they trust us. Can they tell us when they have made a mistake? Can they approach us with their fears without first calculating the consequences of being honest?

What is the value of being a child’s first teacher if that child cannot approach you with the questions that matter most?

Perhaps the real measure of parenting is not simply whether we raise children who listen to us, but whether we raise children who know they can speak to us.

©ABIOLA AKINTUNDE 

The Evelz Story