'STOP BEING MARRIED TO YOUR MOM' BY DAVE WILLIS.

I received a message from a desperate husband which addressed an important dynamic many couples face: spouses whose attachment to their parents are negatively affecting their marriage.

This man’s Mother-in-Law (MIL) saw him as trying to “steal” her daughter away and expected to have 24/7 access to his wife. His wife also  felt like she needed her mom’s permission and approval for her/their decisions. She says it's her way to ‘honour’ her mom like the Bible says. This man’s MIL manipulates and controls his wife and he says he feels like his wife's married to her mom and he was just a roommate. 

The Bible makes it clear that God’s plan for marriage requires a man and woman leaving their families of origin and joining together as a new family (Gen 2:24). Outside God, our relationship with a spouse is the most important relationship on earth and no other human relationship (even with our parents or kids) can replace the place of priority God designed the marriage to have. When the marriage comes first, all other family relationships will be healthy and in balance. 

For the countless couples who are caught in a similar dynamic with an in-law or any individual who has too much influence, here are a few practical next steps to consider:

Talk to a counsellor: For the spouse who is being controlled, it will usually take counselling to help them see that the current situation is unhealthy. This man’s wife doesn’t realize that the situation is broken, because she’s allowed her mother to be her moral authority, and her mom is fueling this unhealthy situation. This wife needs a Christian counsellor to help her start to unravel the twisted roots of dysfunction that have fed this situation for too long. 

Put healthy boundaries in place: Right now in this marriage, there are no boundaries for the MIL and without healthy boundaries, the marriage will eventually be damaged beyond repair. Establishing healthy boundaries can be a difficult process, but be willing to take drastic actions which might include relocating. Sometimes having your own space is exactly what the marriage needs to form the bonds and the independence God desires every husband and wife to share together as they build their own family. Always keep “honouring your parents” as it says in Scripture, but oftentimes, that honouring will have to happen from a distance.

Remember that there are no enemies in these situations: You might be tempted to see your In-Law as an enemy, but they’re not. Everyone wants to be loved, but they can sometimes go about it in an unhealthy way. Instead of retaliating or punishing the person who’s hurting your marriage, pray for them. Love them. Ask God to soften your heart towards them. Ask God to bring healing to their broken heart so they wouldn’t need to seek love and companionship in such manipulative ways. Yes, you’ll still need to put firm boundaries in place, but keeping a loving, forgiving and compassionate attitude will keep your own heart from growing hard and it will create space for a genuinely healthy relationship with them to happen someday. 

Don’t lose hope! If you’re caught in a situation like this, take these steps and move forward knowing you will get through this. Your marriage can grow stronger through this if you’ll face it together. It might take time, but don’t lose hope. Keep praying. Keep loving. Keep going.

BLESSINGS

DAVE WILLIS.